Relationship Environments

Date: 1st May 2020

I no longer think about building relationships, I focus on living within relationship environments.

When you build something there is usually a plan. Something to follow to allow you to achieve the desired result. Building is energy intensive — you put one brick on top of the other and it is very process-driven. Environments on the other hand already exist. They are always evolving and everything, including ourselves, are embedded within them. Relationship environments do not come together, they coexist with a deep understanding of connection and reliance on everything around them.

From a relationship environment perspective, we come from the understanding that we are already connected to everybody and everything. We do not have to follow the mind-driven path of connection. What this does is it frees us from having to overthink everything. From the smallest things — what to wear, do I shake hands or hug and for how long, what do I want out of this engagement, how long do I have to talk, what do I want this person to think of me, should I put my phone on the table, do I buy them a drink, what questions do I ask — the list goes on and on and on.

It is important we can remove ourselves from all of that noise and preconceived notions about how to behave and what to expect when we meet someone new or catch up with a past contact. Then we can give ourselves permission to just turn up and be present. This is where you move from a relationship builder (thinking driven) to an environment enhancer (feeling driven).

In a relationship environment, you are always trying to put more of yourself out there to expand the environment. This is the only way a relationship environment can expand. Translating what is happening in your internal environment and then giving it an external expression. Within a relationship environment, you are in connection, energy is being shared and that energy expands as the environment expands.

Relationship environments only evolve when you are coming from a place of authenticity. When we actually turn up, it allows others to do the same. When we speak the truth, others follow suit. No environment is ever the same. However, if you are the same in every environment, you free yourself from the game of playing different roles. The anxiety trap of having to think about everything you do in every situation. Instead, you just turn up, with full attention, with the goal of expanding the environment.

Know that the mind loves taking these experiences and looking at them from a worst case perspective. The mind loves negativity. It will consistently remind you about it and look for loopholes in trust. The mind’s number one job is to keep the body alive. A typical mind comes from a place of ‘protection at all costs’. It uses these experiences to continually build your ‘relationship blueprint’. What happens is it will look for ways not to trust as once again your mind tries to protect you. This creates very transactional relationships. A skimming of the surface, instead of discussing what you really should be talking about. With the wrong mindset, it can take a lifetime for trust to be established – if at all. When your experiences are anchored in a negative perspective, more negativity manifests.

To add fuel to the fire in our ‘busy’ world, people are not spending time in relationships and creating depth. We are caught in these loops of having too many shallow relationships, or spending too much relationship time online. We can no longer solve our own problems through conversation, or help other people solve theirs. Then we realise our relationships are not working for us and we can’t work out why? Internally this propels the disconnect further and creates more negativity. To really problem-solve, both personally and professionally, we need to open up and that requires us to be vulnerable.

A simple exercise here is to mark a point where you approach each new relationship from a vulnerability perspective. Being a “one” on the vulnerability scale means there is little or no trust. While being a “ten” means you are very open and trusting. It is important to understand your number and also the reason why? Vulnerability is very much like a mirror when we build relationships. What you give personally, then allows the opportunity be reflected back. With awareness and experience, you can then use your own vulnerability to develop trust faster and evolve your relationships.

So if you find yourself running around building lots of relationships and you feel there could be a better way, STOP! Become aware of what you are doing, understand the mind chatter going on before, during and after engagements.

This sounds strange, but give yourself permission to just turn up and be present. Physically, you are always there but in the background your mind may be dancing from past experience to future outcome – NON-STOP. Free yourself from this and connect to the environment of the relationship. That is where the magic is.

Connection is not about coming together as such, it is about exploring the environment between the ‘perceived’ us.

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Posted in: My Thoughts